Video Games and Me

As much as I have tried to become a gamer, it has- for the most part- been to little avail. Video games and I just don't seem to get each other. I'd say the root of this problem is my general lack of ability with electronics. You know how they say 'So easy your grandma could do it'? No. My grandma can work a computer. Then there's me. Interactions involving my laptop and my brother often go like this:

Me: "Oh. Oh no."
Brother: "What?"
Me: "I broke him. I broke my child. I'm gonna have to get a new one. A new child. Whom I will also kill."
Brother: "What did you do?"
Me: *Explains something basic that to me seems irreparable at the time.*
Brother: "Let me see." *Takes laptop.* "Now watch carefully, this is the difficult part." *Hits an f-something key.*
Me: *Gasps* "HE LIVES!"

And on top of that, there's the fact that I get way too emotionally involved in even the most basic of games. Regardless of if I'm the one playing them or not.

Friend: *Playing that game where the cells eat each other.*
Me: "GO FASTER!"
Friend: "Shh. I'm focusing."
Me: "NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING FAST ENOUGH, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
Friend: "People are studying."
Me: "IRRELEVANT!" *Bangs head on table in distress and covers eyes* "DID YOU DIE??"
Friend: "No."
Me: "Oh. See? You're doing well. Hey, eat that guy, he's- OH MY GODS YOU DIED, GODDAMMIT, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME??" *Keening wail of despair.*

I'm a backseat driver of video games. An aggressive one. Why people even want to play video games with me I'll never know. I've been known to shriek like a banshee when I fall off the map in Smash Bros. In Mario Kart, I got so upset about driving up the wrong escalator in Coconut Mall that I leaped off my seat and began frantically waving my controller, jumping, and yelling while still trying to drive.
Needless to say, that wasn't my best race of the day. Turns out screaming and flailing doesn't work well when you're trying to steer. Imagine that.

Which brings me to the only two games I really play: Super Smash Bros. and Mario Kart. Coincidentally, these are also pretty much the only two games I even have a chance of winning in.
There was this one time I downloaded an MMORPG, and I was completely obsessed with it...
For about a week.
Then I got stuck, became annoyed that I was stuck, and stopped playing because I was annoyed.
I must say though, the general nature of MMORPGs freaks me out- no, not the graphics, violence, or the world chat that I never close because sometime's it's funny, none of that- what freaks me out is that I'm constantly worried that someone will try to talk to me.
The entire time I'm just running around like: Don't slow down, don't make virtual eye contact. Oh gods, I hit a tree. Goddamn it, I'm stuck. Okay, don't panic. Wait, now I'm in the tree. Crap, that's another person! Another person is here. Don't move. Don't breathe. They can smell newbs. I'm in this tree on purpose. Keeps the...monsters away. They left. I'm still stuck though. Hmm. I don't think I'm very good at this.
I also have a tendency to get lost and just run around killing things until I somehow end up where I'm supposed to be. How I even manage to get anywhere is kind of a mystery.


And that's basically why I'm not a gamer, even though I would certainly like to be.

This is my new pink wig. I'm super excited about it, and it really shows in this picture. Geez, if I keep using these pictures, people are going to think I'm this excited all the time.